2007questions

I have an after the holidays question but it does relate to the rest of the holidays also.

I just moved back to my hometown this summer after living elsewhere for 24 years. I had been trying to get back here but this is the first opportunity and now I am back after 24 years. My little sister has pretty much always lived here by my mom. My dad died in 2001. Since he died of course I can never spend Christmas with him again and since my dad died I can never spend Christmas or maybe any holidays with my mom again. You see mom spent Christmas with my sister and her family after dad died every year that me and my family was not here to spend Christmas with her. We used to live 8 hours away. I am pretty much being told that we will never get her for holidays because spending it with my sister is a tradition. Well what about the almost 35 years of tradition where any of mom's kids could have her for Christmas before my dad died. My family has lost my dad, my husband’s mom, and 2 great grandmothers in the last 5 years so moving here was important to us to spend time with mom and spend some holidays with her because we know all too well that we can loose people then we loose those memories of holidays and other times forever. I asked if my sister and I could trade off with holidays each year. I got a very frustrated mom and sister with this suggestion. It is a big no way. Never is along time, it is never! Also when I moved here I gave a key to our house to mom. My sister laughed and said, she lived 20 miles from mom and mom only went to her house one time, now my sister lives a mile from her. To me that was sending a message to mom that if she didn't go see my sister when she lived this distance from her that she had better not go see me when I live this distance away. What should I do with both of these things?

Linda

Linda,

As for the key to your house and any other run-ins with your sister, you will have to find a way to love her regardless and let the little stuff go. This may mean you talk to her less to prevent these spats. If you want to know if your mom will ever go to your house, or even wants to, you should ask your mom directly. As they have been geographically closer for many years, you will have to be strong and creative in finding your place in their lives. If they continue to resist, maybe it is best that you not see each other too frequently anyways! ~Ottie

Linda,

One thing I don’t see in your letter is what your mom has to say about this. Have you talked to her yourself? What does she want to do? Have you looked at this from your sister’s point of view? She has been taking up all the slack for 24 years and then you show up wanting to change everything around. I agree with Ottie let the little stuff go. Also, why not create some new traditions? You don’t have to wait for commercial holidays to see your mom. Turn Grandparent’s day into a holiday in your home etc… ~Karmel

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The thing is, (and I really need your help on this) HOW ON EARTH DO I EXAIIN TO HIM ABOUT HOW I REFUSED TO GO TO SCHOOL--AND WORST OF ALL WHY? HE'LL THINK I'M A TERRIBLE I have two options: to ignore him and lose him or to talk to him ….but I'll lose him anyway once I've explained my situation! It's hopeless!

What should I do about all this? What should I do about him?

Also I really need to ask you: What could/should I have done when I first started high school and got separated from/lost Skye? How could I have held on to him? Please be honest. What things could I have tried to hold on to him? : It’s just I loved him so much.

I did try to hold onto him....my dad found Skye's address on the computer and I decided to write to Skye and ask him if he'd go out with me. I also sent him Valentine's cards ....but I received no reply. Why do you think this was? My dad said maybe he wasn't allowed as he was so young (he also went to an all boy's school)....I thought it may have been because he didn't like me. But a few weeks after I sent him a valentine's card I decided to visit my old primary school...and a few days after I visit ...Skye visits the primary school...and smiles at my sister who is a pupil there. I am at this point VERY confused as to whether he likes me or not. I panicked and I was trying so hard to hold on to Skye that I could not get on with my life (and also didn't know how to get on with my life....because I couldn't bear the horrible truth that I had lost Skye...because I loved him and found it IMPOSSIBLE to let go of him....especially as I found out that he liked me back...but probably not to the extent that I liked him) I wrote to him a few times, first asking him out as a friend...then on a date type thing.....but I never recieved any form of reply...also I sent him a Valentine's card every year for my first 2 years in high school. But after that........I just couldn't think what to do anymore...and no-body gave me any advice/told me what to do about Skye/or said how I could possibly be with him in the future. so I just gave up......and shut it all out of my head...and pretended it wasn't happening...that I wasn't losing Skye.....I lapsed into SERIOUS depression....there were days when I felt so depressed that I couldn't get up in the mornings. I stayed in this state for about 2/3 years (this was when I had the home tuition because I couldn't cope with school/life in general) and I sat my GCSEs...failed them (was still in denial over losing Skye so didn't at the time care much about grades as I didn't want a future without him) then .....now have sat at home for the past 2 years doing nothing as I have still been in denial over losing Skye....and also haven't had any guidance from anyone. But now I am 18 and HAVE to do something with my life before I get to old to go to college.

I just need to ask you: what COULD/SHOULD I have done back when I started high school and got separated from Skye? How could I have held on to him? How should I have handled the situation? What do you think? How could/should I have gone about holding onto him? Or was there NOTHING and I mean NOTHING that I could have done to hold on to him back then? ...and if so then should I have just let him go :( ? PLEASE be honest with me. How should I have gone about holding on to him? Because what I tried didn't work....it wasn't a good enough plan. But I just wondered if you knew what I COULD have done to hold onto him?

What should I have done about him back then? What should I have done when I lost/got separated from him.....:let him go???? Was this the only thing that I could have done?? What else could I have tried to hold onto him? How could I have held onto him? What could I have done? Any ideas?

Please can you offer me any advice on this problem/situation by email?

Please do not publish/print this letter/email. Is your advice free by the way? If not then please do not reply as I am sorry but I cannot afford to pay

Yours Sincerely

Clemence

Clemence,

I don't advise on what people should have or could have done about situations beyond their control. If you start thinking more about why you need to do in college and with your future, then good things will start to happen to you. Sounds like you need to focus on your self-motivation and self-confidence and you need to separate this from your need for your primary school love, or any other boy's affection! Managing your depression and keeping yourself as priority #1 should be the focus of your time - not wondering about what Skye thought of a Valentine card sent years ago!

If at school, you run into your primary school love - tell him the truth - you had a rough patch, made some mistakes, and the entry level course is the option open to you, but you are and will improve your life's options. End of story.

It's hard to let go of first love, but in order to get a grip on your own life and future, you must let go and move on! Best of luck to you! ~Ottie

Clemence,

Wow…you are really wasting much too much time thinking about a grade school love. Life happens, you made some mistakes (Who doesn’t?). You don’t need to explain anything to anybody unless you WANT to.

You don’t even really know the person that your primary school love is today. Most first loves never last. They are left to be fond memories and mold how you identify with love in the future. Even more, I think you need to concentrate on your priorities which seem to be your schooling and let the future unfold as it will.

I hope that you have a support system for dealing with your grief and if you don’t you really need to get some. When someone dies, those not personally affected move on and forget that you are still hurting. Grief can take years to completely heal but as I’ve said before…time really does heal all things. Let us know how things are going.

~Karmel

My problem is this:

When I was in primary school I fell in love with someone.

But then when it came too high school, he got sent to a private all boy's school far away from me and I got sent to the local comprehensive.

I thought I'd NEVER see him EVER again and despaired.

Around about the same time my Grandmother of whom I was VERY close to died. She practically raised me.

Because of all these things (the death of my Grandma, the loss of XXX) I began to feel very depressed.

Then I made a TERRIBLE mistake:

Somedays I felt so low I found it almost impossible to think about the future and sometimes couldn't find the will-power to get up in the mornings. I started to refuse to go to school as I felt so low. I'd been bullied VERY VERY badly at the primary school I went to (before I moved to the one Skye was at) which also made me quite nervous of people and scared of school too which made me terrified of high school.

I refused to go to high school on-and-off for the first three years by which time I was REALLY REALLY very behind in my work.

At the end of the third year I then refused to go to school altogether as I couldn't cope any more with my life. I was SEVERELY depressed and wasn't thinking logically. I ended up having 5 measly hours of home tuition per week, for the next two years which should have been spent in school. Unsurprisingly I now failed ALL my GCSEs (apart from getting a 'C' In English) I feel so awful! I can't believe I let this happen. I have now then sat at home doing nothing for the past year....now I am 17 years old!!!!!

However this is my problem:

I am now 17

I want to go to college but the thing is I've just found out that the college I want to go to is right next door to the top educational sixth form that Primary School love is at. I NEVER in a million years expected anything like this to happen...not ever...I thought I'd never see him again...especially as his private boy's school had a sixth form.

If I go to this college then I will definitely bump into him but the thing is I think I would die of shame. I feel like a complete freak.

He's studying 'A' levels at a top sixth form college. And I.....will have to go on an Entry level course and learn really basic stuff like how to cook, use public transport etc(basically for absolute dim-wits) because of the fact that I have failed all my exams. My problem is that I still really love XXX but he'll NEVER EVER IN A MILLION BILLION YEARS be interested in me now. He's in a different league to me. He's so clever---and I'm not!

I'll have to go on an ENTRY level course :( but this is killing me. I wish I could be with him more than anything in the world but as soon as he finds out I'm on an Entry level course, he'll NEVER EVER be interested in me now.

Also it's inevitable that I’ll bump into him whilst out and about anyway. So I cannot run away from this problem.(I cannot believe that I never thought about this years ago....but I just was panicking and not thinking ahead...I never thought of a day 6 years into the future) If I ignore Skye when I see him then he'll think I'm not interested him--, (when I am…and it would break my heart to do this) But if I talk to him then he'll NEVER like me anyway…. when he finds out what I've done. He'll think I’m a terrible person for refusing to go to school. He'll ask about my life and I’ll have to explain what I did :(

I am in a relationship with a man that has been for 20 years. I should have left him years ago, but I beloved that he was sincere when he said that he loved me. He has cheated on me more times than I can count, it is weird that I never added things up, and I just dealt with each problem. We have 5 kids together which is why I stayed so long. The problem right now is that I am disabled and he has become head of the household, which means in control of almost everything that I was responsible for. He treats me differently now with less respect, and I recently found out he was cheating with a co-worker and an old girlfriend that he contacted. Anyway I am tired now and just want to get away. Our lives are tied up together (finances house, car, etc…). We live paycheck to paycheck he is not a good money manager and does not take my advice. I don't trust him and am getting scared. He says things to me like "You cripple" and says that something is wrong with my brain when I bring up issues. I know this is not good. My family has scattered all over, my mom died 6 years ago. I want to leave but don't know how. I need to go so I can heal, I am very angry with him. I would like to find counseling in my area but finances are bad and since I have been out of work I have lost my credit cards and good credit rating. I have no insurance. My situation is so freakin pathetic. I am a nurse with a lot of knowledge, how did I let this happen. I know one thing this guy is tired of me even if he still says he loves me his actions speak differently.

~Anonymous

Honey, it is time for you to MOVE ON. You already know this, because you know his actions speak louder than the occasional "I love you." This man does not give you the love and respect you deserve. This man only offers you betrayal, cruel words, and a very trapped life. Moving on will be very, very hard, emotionally, financially, etc, but will put you in a better situation in the long run - for you and your 5 children!

I'm not quite sure about all the details of your disability and lack of insurance, but you can use local social service organizations, community groups, and the internet to access resources and info to gain control back in your life. Call one of your family members who has scattered far away or reconnect with an old friend for support. Don't let your lack of money or poor credit stand in your way! If there is no path for you to follow - MAKE ONE and MOVE ON! This man can only make your life worse!

~Ottie